


November Rain

by annannette (fanetjuh)



Series: The Scorpio Races Festival - Tumblr [3]
Category: The Scorpio Races - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-01-28 13:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12607440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanetjuh/pseuds/annannette
Summary: His entire life Charlie Miller has been Hannah’s brother. But after last year’s race Hannah started a new life on the mainland. For eleven months Charlie waited for her to call, to say that she needed him. It is only when Hannah returns to the Isle for the race, and Bud, happier and stronger than ever, that Charlie realizes that he finally has the chance to be more than just Hannah’s brother. He decides to participate in the race, hoping it will help him to figure out who he is and who he wants to be.





	1. Capall Uisce

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Scorpio Races Festival 2017 hosted on Tumblr

Some people hate the silence. They hate not talking. They hate not keeping a conversation going.

I love silence.

Because even silence is never truly silent. The silence is filled by the birds singing their last songs before they fly away to the warmer south. The silence is filled by the rolling waves, crashing on the rocks and the beach. The silence is filled by the wheezing of the cold October wind twirling around my head.

Hannah’s muscles are tensed and she squeezes her eyes while she stares at the shore.

I can’t hear her heart, but I know it’s racing in her chest, hammering against the ribs while she waits for the best friend she ever had and maybe will have.

Her cheeks are red, redder than I had ever seen them before, as if the cold is a foreign stranger with way too much power over her. Her cheeks are fuller than I remember them too. It seems that the food on the mainland is much better than anything mother and I could give her here on the isle. Life on the mainland seems to be much better than anything mother and I could give her here on the isle. She looks healthier, more alive, happier.

I let out a deep sigh. I’ve been listening to her stories about her last eleven months for hours, but I have not been able to tell her anything about mine. I’ve wasted eleven months of my life even though I had promised her not to do so. Somehow I have spent those eleven months waiting for her.

I don’t know why I have been waiting. I don’t know why I have thought that she would come back. I don’t know why I have believed that Daniel would leave her and that somehow she would miss the isle.

Hannah’s stories, the way her eyes glimmer when she describes the zoo, the people, even her job as a riding instructor at a riding school, prove how much the isle has always felt like a cave to her, how me taking care of her has always felt like a burden to her, how our mother’s worry have clearly held her back from everything she can do.

I should be happy for her. I should be thankful that she has met Daniel, that he has taken her to the mainland, that he has given her the life she has always wanted and dreamed of. But I’m not happy.

All my life Hannah has been everything I cared about. I’ve been carrying her around. I’ve been protecting her. I’ve been supporting her when no one else did. And now someone else has taken the one job, the one purpose in life I have ever had.

Yes, Hannah has asked me to come along. Yes, Hannah loved me more than I gave her credit for, but I couldn’t help feeling replaced, feeling pushed aside, feeling unneeded.

“Charlie! Look!” Hannah pushes herself up a little. Her blond hair, blown by the wind, is tied into a messy bun on the back of her head. “There are the first horses!” She curls her fingers around the hoops of her wheelchair.

The wheelchair is much more modern than the one she had when she left us. She has assured me that she had paid for it herself, but she also admitted that Daniel has given her the special wheels so she can use it on the beach. Another thing he could give her. Another thing she has always wanted. Another thing mother and I have not been able to afford.

I slowly stand up while Hannah is racing away from me. I want to yell that it’s dangerous. I want to yell that the horses can hurt her.

But she knows all that and she doesn’t need my advice. She probably would ignore my advice anyway.

I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket. While I follow Hannah to the shore I leave a trail of footsteps in the wet sand. I’m happy that she came back for this moment, I really am, but I’m surprised how different things between us feel, how all of a sudden I’m confronted with the fact that she’s more alive than I have ever been.

“It’s nice to be back here.” Hannah looks over her shoulder and her bright smile makes it impossible not to smile back at her. “Do you think Bud remembers us?” She cocks her head slightly and then she reaches for my hand. “Most people who catch a good horse never let it go…”

“He’ll be there, I’m sure about that.” I squeeze her hand.

Last year she promised me that she was not going to race again. But a lot has changed in the last eleven months. Maybe her promise has changed too.

“What are you gonna do when he finds you again?” I lick my lips. I don’t want to be the one to plant the idea of riding again in her mind, but if she is planning on participating in the most dangerous horse race in the world I want to know. I have the right to know.

“I don’t know.” Hannah shrugs her shoulders and I let out a relieved sigh. “Enjoying his company for as long as he stays?” She looks up at me and the rays of sunlight are reflected in her bright blue eyes. “Cuddle him until he has to leave again?”

I roll my eyes. “You make him sound like a puppy!” I shake my head. “It’s a capall uisce. I know that capall uisce has never done anything to hurt you, but even Bud is dangerous.” I remember all too well what Nate’s shoulder looked like after he had bullied my sister one time too many. I also remember vividly how that waterhorse had almost drowned my sister because she had refused to simply let him go.

“I know he’s not a…” She holds her breath and for a moment she can just stare at the brown horse that emerges from the sea.

His left hind has not recovered during the last eleven months, but as soon as he sees my sister he races towards her as if she’s the most important thing in the entire world, as if he has been counting down the days to this moment as much as she has.

I shake my head. For all my life it has always been me and her, together against the rest of the world. I’m not used to sharing her yet. I’m not used to sharing her with Daniel, who has been kind enough to mumble something about buying some postcards before leaving us alone. And I’m not used to sharing her with Bud, who has changed her life for the better by simply being a horse no one wanted to have, no one even looked at.

Moving on from our shared life was simple for her. She has Bud. She has Daniel.

I have no one. How can I ever move on?


	2. The Voice of Reason

I curl my lips up into a smile while Bud lowers his head so Hannah can touch him.

Bud has changed her life. Bud made her believe in herself, in belonging somewhere in the world. He is the reason she is smiling. He is the reason she is glowing. He is the reason she met Daniel and found the courage to go to the mainland, to enjoy all the possibilities over there, to get a new wheelchair, to get a job, to get a life.

I push myself up and wrap an arm around my sisters waist to help her do the same. I want to say so many things to her. I want to share so many thoughts with her, but I don’t want to disturb the moment either. With my arm tightly around her to keep her up I watch how she and Bud act like it was not eleven months ago since they have last seen each other.

“You’re as beautiful as I remember.” Her hand strokes his nose and then she leaves a kiss on his forehead. Even though I have warned her about capall uisce being dangerous less than a few minutes ago, she seems to have forgotten about it already. “It’s a pity we can’t see if you have gotten faster too.” She wraps her arms around him and closes her eyes while her head rests on his side.

The entire beach is filled with screaming people. Horses are running from one side to the other with some ambitious riders trailing after them to make sure they’re the first to catch them. Drops of blood color the sand red.

I hate the smell of the October beach. I hate the screaming of people voluntarily hurting themselves for a stupid race that lasts only a day. I hate the drops of blood and the promise that not everyone will come out of this adventure alive.

But it’s this race that has changed my sister forever. It’s this race that proved the Island that the girl in the wheelchair was capable of so much more than they could ever imagine. It’s this race that brought my sister the happiness and freedom she has been looking for for who knew how long.

I want to hate the race. I want to hate the capall uisce, but every time I look at my sister and Bud I realize that the race could be so much more than a stupid excuse to endanger your own life. While I stare at the people and horses on the beach I allow myself to wonder if the race could do the same for me.

Could this race change my life too? Could this race lead me to my freedom too? Could this race be the start of a new future for me too?

“Charlie!” Hannah plants an elbow in my side and I bite my lip while I swallow away a curse. “A penny for your thoughts.” A bright smile spreads across her face and I take a deep breath.

The thought is already scary now it’s only in my head. I can’t even imagine how scary it will be once I’ll say it out loud. “I’m thinking about the race and Bud and…” I hesitate. If I wouldn’t have to keep my arm around my sister’s waist, I would hide both my hands in the pockets of my jeans. “I imagined what it would be like to race him.”

Hannah turns her head towards me. Her eyes reflect the weak light of the sun and then she cocks her head while the smile on her face brightens. “I’m sure Bud would love it.” She keeps on stroking him, tenderly, gently.

I wonder if Daniel would be jealous of this horse if he would see her like this. At least he has her all for himself during the other eleven months of the year, something I can’t say. “I’m sure mom would kill me.”

Hannah shakes her head and a giggle escapes her slightly parted lips. “She didn’t kill me either.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Mom will be fine, Charlie.” She nods at me and then she places a hand on my shoulder. “If you want to race, race. You have a horse. You have a supporting sister. You have a supporting friend. Yes, mom will hate it. She will hate it just as much as she hated me racing, but eventually she’ll be there too.”

I don’t say anything for a moment. I stare at the other horses on the beach, at the people, at the blood.

This race is dangerous. More dangerous than riding a car and we all know how that ended for Hannah. But this race has been Hannah’s new beginning and now I see how happy she is, I long for a new beginning too, I long for that happiness too.

“I’ll think about it.” I’ve always followed my head. I’ve always done what’s wise. I’ve always chosen the smart way. I know this isn’t wise. I know this isn’t smart. I hear my head repeating over and over that it’s by far the stupidest idea ever since I agreed with Hannah riding a capall uisce.

But what if doing the stupid thing is what I need? What if my happiness doesn’t come because I keep on following my head instead of my heart? What if this race can change everything?

“Tomorrow morning is the first beach training.” Hannah’s voice is filled with enthusiasm. She has changed during the last eleven months, but even I see that she has only changed for the better. “You can just give it a try.” Hannah shrugs her shoulders. “I’m sure that Bud won’t throw you off his back or drown you in the sea.”

“He almost drowned you in the sea.” I raise my eyebrows, but Hannah sticks out her tongue.

“Almost!” She straightens her back and lifts her chin. “He walked back to the beach and we did very well in the race.”

It are those words that give me the last push, the last push I need to turn this vague idea into a challenge. A challenge that will be without a doubt either the best or the worst thing to ever happen to me. Because either this becomes the very first chapter of a better life. Or it becomes the very last chapter of a life that could have been.


	3. The Beach

I’ve been sick before. I’ve had the flu when I was barely seven years old and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my entire life.

But the sickness I’m experiencing right now is totally new for me. Of course, last year I’ve had plenty of moments when I was nervous or even terrified, but it seems that things are different now I’m nervous and terrified because I will be the one riding this murderous water horse.

Hannah assured me at least a thousand times this morning that everything would be fine. On our way here, with Daniel pushing her wheelchair and me holding the horse, she repeated those words at least ten more times. But no matter how often she has said it, I still don’t feel at ease now I’m sitting on Bud’s back.

Bud seems to feel my uneasiness. He doesn’t stand still and he makes noises I have never heard him make before.

“What now?” I look at Hannah.

She has her hands on her wheels and shrugs her shoulders while a playful smile dances around her lips. She is a woman now, a confident woman who knows what she wants and what she’s capable of.

I don’t want to be jealous of her, but I can’t help being it anyway. I’m the older brother. I should be the one showing this kind of confidence. I should be the one encouraging her to grow into the woman she already is.

“Now you ride him.” Hannah crosses her arms over her chest. The smile on her lips brightens and I roll my eyes while I let out a deep sigh.

“How do I do that, I mean?” I shake my head and Hannah wordlessly asks Daniel to help her to stand up.

“I just use my emotions to ride.” She bites her lip. “I always thought that was something between me and Bud, but it works with the horses on the mainland too.” She pauses for a moment. “If you know where you want to go and what you want Bud to do, your body will translate it in such a way that he understands it.”

“You’re a worthless instructor!” I raise my voice and throw my hands in the air. “Isn’t it supposed to be something like pressing with my heels and steering with my hands and clicking with my tongue?”

“It is.” Hannah nods. “But when I started out I had no idea what I was doing either. I can tell you how I ride, but then you still need to figure out how you ride.” She drops her hands again. “Try things out with your heels and your hands and your tongue. Bud will learn as much about you when you do so as you learn about him.”

I want to ask for more instructions, for better instructions, I actually want a very clear step by step manual stating exactly what I have to do, but I know that Hannah is right. It’s not just about learning how to ride Bud, it’s also about my road and my story. The whole point of racing in the first place is my longing for my own story, my own new beginning, the start of my own life. I’ll have to do it my way and not hers.

Bud seems to notice that I tense all my muscles. All of a sudden he stands perfectly still and he moves his ears as if he is trying to talk to me, as if he is trying to communicate with me.

If only I knew what he was trying to say.

“Take care of him, Bud.” Hannah pets his nose one more time before she falls into her wheelchair again. “Take care of him, big brother.” She looks up at me and I nod at her.

I will take care of Bud. I know all too well that my little sister won’t forgive me if I don’t. So while Daniel sits down in the sand next to my sister, I take a few deep breaths before I press my heels into Bud’s sides.

Immediately he starts moving. His rhythm feels slightly off because of his left hind, but I will probably get used to that in the weeks to come. Luckily for me, he at leasts starts with walking slowly.

I know that I have to dare to go faster than this if I don’t want to come in hopelessly last. I also know that Bud can race a lot faster than he walks right now, but as a start it’s perfect.

A lot more perfect than most other riders on brand new horses are doing. Left and right young men and a few women fall on their backs more times than I can count. Once in a while a loud scream echoes all over the beach. The brownish yellow sand turns redder and redder with each second that passes.

Instinctively I look around to see if Nate is somewhere, if he has found the courage to climb on the back of a horse again. I’ve heard that the permanent damage Bud has done to his shoulder has never healed completely again. I assume that the fact that he was almost killed on race day had not helped much either. He is at least nowhere to be found and somehow that makes me smile.

Bud however seems to grow bored of me going this slow and without giving me the chance to anticipate he starts to pick up pace.

I feel the wind going through my hair and the world around me turns into a blur. My heart is racing in my chest and I tighten my grip on the reins. “Slow down, Bud…” My voice is nothing but a whisper and I’m terrified that my words are blown away by the wind.

Because Bud doesn’t slow down. Instead he starts to run even faster than he has already been going.

“Bud!” I scream, but Bud only seems to get started.

The salted water of the sea splashes in my face. The unsettling noises of the horses he passes echo in my ears.

“Bud! You have to slow down!” I scream, but my horse doesn’t listen.

How did Hannah do this? How did she control Bud when he tried to drown her into the sea? How did she guide him back to the shore?

I should have asked her for better instructions, because now I am on the back of a murderous waterhorse that doesn’t seem willing to stop and that doesn’t seem to listen to me. “Thanks, Hannah…” I roll my eyes and I do the only thing I can do. I hold onto him as well as I can.


	4. A friend in me

I don’t know where the horse is going. I’m not sure if I want to know where the horse is going. I just know that he crosses the beach like it’s one big playground.

Left and right people are jumping aside. A few people lift their fists and scream that this is not kindergarten and that I should get the hell away from them if I can’t control my horse.

I’m not sure if anyone on this isle can control his horse. I think most people are simply trying and hoping for the best.

The entire race seems to be built on that hope. It seems to be built on the hope that your horse listens to you. It seems to be built on the hope that your horse doesn’t drown you or eat you alive. It seems to be built on the hope that you cross that finish line first and get more money than you will ever need.

My entire race is built on hope. My entire race is built on the hope that I survive, that I’ll finally find a way to start living, that I’ll finally find a future.

“Ho!” All of a sudden a strong hand grabs my reins and after a few pulls Bud finally starts to slow down. “May I ask what you’re doing on the back of a horse if you have no idea how to ride one?” The boy, sitting on the back of a dark black horse, has a wonderful twinkle in his bright blue eyes. His brown curls dance around his face and when I lock my glance with his I stop breathing for a few seconds.

“My sister…” I open my mouth and let out a relieved sigh when Bud finally stands still. “My sister turns out to be a natural who has absolutely NO idea how to explain riding a horse to someone else.” I roll my eyes. A part of me wants to get down, wants to never ride that horse again. Another part of me doesn’t want to give up, not yet, not after only one day of training.

After all, Bud didn’t drown me and he also didn’t throw me off his back. He simply wants to run, wants to race, wants to enjoy the speed and the glares of admiration when a horse with a damaged left hind can run like this.

“She’s an instructor on the mainland. I wonder how she got and kept that job.”

The smile dancing around the stranger’s lips brightens. “There is always the possibility that her explanation was good, but your execution was simply disastrous.” He reaches out his hand and reluctantly I shake it. “I’m Richard and it’s my pleasure to meet you.” He pulls his hand back again and for a short moment I miss the warmth of his touch.

I scratch the back of my neck. “I’m Charlie and it’s nice to meet you too. Last year my sister Hannah rode…” I don’t get the chance to finish my sentence.

“You are Hannah Miller’s brother? I was very impressed with her achievement last year, especially considering the fact that she’s…” Richard hesitates and bites his lips, realizing that his sentence was not leading into the right direction. “I think we’ve all underestimated her abilities and willpower and I hope the mainland appreciates her better than we did.”

I think about Daniel, about the way he looks at her and holds her hand. I think about the job she has gotten, about the brand new wheelchair with special wheels to ride on the beach she has taken with her. The mainland does treat her a lot better than we ever did. The mainland does treat her a lot better than I ever could. “She looks happy.”

“But I am afraid you don’t.” Richard doesn’t state it as a question. He states it as the plain fact it truly is.

I’m not happy. I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy. Of course, I enjoyed taking care of Hannah and carrying her around whenever she wanted to go somewhere, but enjoying something and being happy aren’t the same thing. “No, I don’t.”

For a moment none of us says a word. We listen to the screaming people on the beach, to the cries of mothers who beg their sons to not race this year, to just come home, where it’s safe and wam. We listen to the horses, fighting their urges to run back to the dark blue sea, not caring if their rider gets the chance to escape in time or not. We listen to the sounds that are so typically Thisby that they don’t scare us as much anymore as they should.

“What did your sister tell you about riding a horse and I assume this horse in particular?” Richard let his eyes wander over Bud. “I remember seeing this horse on the beach last year, but I assumed he couldn’t race because…”

“Because of his left hind.” I finish his sentence. “Which is exactly why my sister and Bud have a relationship I will never understand and will never have.” I shrug my shoulders while I tighten my grip on the reins. Even though I am sitting on this horse for at least fifteen minutes already, it still feels like I’m only riding Bud because Hannah doesn’t want to. It still feels like Bud is her horse and not mine. It still feels like he will never be mine.

“The people of Thisby, me included, are not known for their open minds, are they?” Once more he smiles that charming smile and I feel my heart skipping a beat in my chest. “Not towards Hannah, not towards Bud.” He knows that those two are just the first bullet points on an endlessly long list.

We both know.

“Hannah says her emotions guide her horses.” I lick my lips, eager to change the subject. “She says that as long as she knows where she’s going, her body can translate it in such a way that Bud listens and goes exactly there.” I clear my throat. “It doesn’t seem to work like that for me.”

“I do have to admit, I never had the impression that you knew where you were going and that part of her explanation seemed very vital to make it work.” Richard softens his voice and he avoids my glance as if he is afraid of how I will possibly react to this comment.

But even though I want to get angry and want to defend myself, I know that he is right. I have no idea where I’m going.

“Do you think your sister would mind it if I would help you a little too?” Richard cocks his head and I swallow while I stare at him.

“You want to help me?”

Richard smiles again. “If you allow me to, I’d love to.”


	5. Rider's Parade

My hands are stickyand I feel like my teeth have all lost their protective coating, but I have to admit that Hannah and Daniel were right. Those november cakes are the best treats I’ve ever had in my life and if the lines weren’t this awfully long, I would have gotten myself another one.

“And?” Hannah reaches for my arm and raises her voice in an attempt to be louder than the music that’s surrounding us. “Are you nervous already?” Her lips curl up into a smile.

Last year I carried her all the way up to the top to officially sign her up for the race. This year I will be the one going up there. I wish I could answer that I am not nervous at all. After all, I have already signed up on the chalkboard. But somehow this feels different. As if right now I could still change my mind if I want, as if this is the point of no return, as if this is the true moment I decide I’m gonna race Bud.

“You look nervous, but there is nothing to be nervous about.” Hannah squeezes my arm and then she turns her face back to Daniel. “Did I look that nervous last year?”

A grin spreads across his face. “No, love, you looked even worse.” The lights of the festivities are reflected in his eyes and my sister lets out a small chuckle.

“You don’t regret not riding yourself, do you?” I’ve asked Hannah that question over and over again, but I want to be sure that her answer is still no before I go up there, before I cut my palm, before my blood drops on the red stone, before Bud and I have no choice but to show up on the beach on the first of November.

“Charlie…” Hannah rolls her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “No, I don’t regret not racing myself. I’ve did it last year. I didn’t finish last. There is nothing to gain for me anymore.”

“You could try to win this year.” I mumble. Somehow I want Hannah to race Bud again. Somehow I want her to change her mind. It would give me an excuse to back down, to give up, despite the progress I’m booking with Richard’s help.

“Mister Miller!” Richard straightens his back while he makes his way through the crowd towards me. His hands look as sticky as mine and even now the sun has already set his bright blue eyes are still sparkling. “I already hoped I would manage to find you before the rider’s parade starts.” He has his lips curled up into a bright smile and with steady steps he walks towards my sister with his hand already stretched out. “Miss Hannah Miller, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Richard Lionheart and I admire your impressive achievement from last year.” He brings her knuckles to his red lips and kisses her hand gently.

“Richard?” Hannah bites her lip while she pulls her hand back. “The Richard? The man who’s been helping to train my brother because my advice to let his emotions guide him doesn’t work for him?”

Richard exchanges a short glance with me and I feel how my cheeks heat up. “I might have told her the entire story of how we met and such…” I am not completely honest. I have told her a lot more than that, but I am not ready for him to hear that.

“It’s a pleasure to meet the guy who’s spending more time with my brother than I am!”

I remember how I felt about Daniel last year, how jealous I was of Bud, but I don’t hear the same jealousy in Hannah’s words.

“This is Daniel Whittemore, I met him last year in Thisby, but we’re now living together on the Mainland.” Hannah entwines her fingers with Daniel’s and in that moment I wish I could be as happy for her as she seems to be for me. She seems to know that she will never lose me, but somehow I am still afraid to lose her even though I know that it won’t happen.

“It is an honor to meet one of the very few who has managed to convince a true born Thisbier to leave this Island.” Richard firmly shakes Daniel’s hand and Daniel shrugs his shoulders.

“I promised her we’ll always come back for race season.” Daniel pulls his hand back and then he curls his fingers around Hannah’s handlebars. “Maybe we should go find a spot for the rider’s parader somewhere?” He locks his glance with Hannah’s.

I know that she actually wants to go up there with me, but it will be too much of a hassle.

Her wheelchair is beach proof, but it is not rock proof. Or Thisby still isn’t wheelchair proof.

I don’t think it will ever be.

“Good luck, Charlie. You can do it.” Hannah reaches for my hand one more time before she allows Daniel to ride her away from me.

“So…” I burry my sticky hands in the pockets of my jeans. The evening wind is chilly, but I’m still sweating.

“So…” Richard replies and silently he stands next to me until a clear and loud voice defies the noise.

“Riders? Make your way to the rock!”

I bite my lip. My heart is racing in my chest and I feel the veins in my neck beating. My new beginning is officially waiting for me on top of that rock. I take one more deep breath and then I feel a strong hand reaching for mine.

“I want to make sure we don’t lose each other in the crowd.” Richard seems sincere, but I feel my skin tingling where his hand touches mine. “I know only one person can win, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t become friends with other riders before the race.”

I curl my lips up into a smile, not capable of answering. All my nerves for the rider’s parade have disappeared, but they are replaced by different kind of nerves.

“Charlie Miller and Richard Lionheart, which one of you will go first?” Peg Gratton curls her lips up into a smile and I realize that Richard is still holding onto my hand, even though we are not in the crowd anymore, even though we have reached the top, even though there are only riders surrounding us.

“I hope you will make your sister proud.” Richard pulls his hand back, but when I hesitate he places it on my lower back to push me forward.

“O, yes, of course.” I swallow and Istraighten my back and lift my chin while I walk towards the bloodied rock that smells like iron. “I will ride.” My voice isn’t as steady as I have hoped it would be, maybe because I’m very aware that somewhere, invisible for me, my sister is staring at me with a proud smile on her face.

Peg pierces my finger with her sharp knife and I watch how the drops of blood fall onto the rest of them.

“Charlie Miller. Bud. By my blood.” I speak fast, maybe a little too fast, but somehow I am relieved when I’ve finally said the words out loud. Especially when I feel Richard’s shoulder touching mine while he passes me to complete his ritual.

My new life has begun and all I need is the courage to make it better than the one I led so far.


	6. Sea Wishes

“Would you like to go down again to go find your sister?” Richard has his hands crossed over his chest and he shifts his weight from one leg to the other. The burning fires spread a certain kind of glow and I’m not sure if it’s just the glow that makes him look even more handsome than he is in broad daylight.

“Hannah is fine. She has Daniel.” I shrug my shoulders. I missed Hannah, more than I can put into words, and the few weeks she will spend here on the isle won’t be enough to catch up. But I’ve decided to move on and the only way to do that is to spend time I could spend with her with someone else. “Do you want to make a sea wish?” I turn my face towards Richard.

He shakes his head. “I have no desire to wish anyone dead.” He curls his lips up into a smile, but he walks towards one of the burning fires and sits down to enjoy its warmth to the fullest. After a couple of seconds, as soon as he realizes that I hesitate to sit down next to him, he gestures me to come over. “May I ask you a question?” He waits until my hip touches his and I fold my hands in my lap.

“Yes, sure, ask away.” I don’t know what makes me more uncomfortable, the fact that he asks me if he can ask me a question, or the fact that he keeps on touching me and that it keeps on sending chills down my spine.

“I was actually quite surprised to hear that your sister has been away for eleven months and has been living on the mainland.” Richard hesitates for a moment. “I believed our paths have never crossed because you have taken care of her all this time, but I can’t help wondering what you have been doing during those months she was away from the isle.”

I take a deep breath while I stare at the dancing flames in front of me. The crackling of the fire is barely hearable because of the overwhelming amount of noises surrounding us, but while I avoid focussing on the answer for as long as I can, I can hear it anyway.

“I can imagine that your mother might not have taken the news of Hannah leaving you both behind too well…” Richard whispers, but I shake my head as fast and as soon as I can.

My mother has probably handled this whole situation a lot better than I had. She has focussed on her job, has made a few new friends. She has even attended a few meetings of some women only reading club. She has moved on with her life. Or at least she has attempted to, getting better at it the longer Hannah stayed away.

I have been the one wasting my time. “I’ve spent my time next to the telephone, in case…” I don’t dare to finish my sentence.

Maybe Thisby isn’t an place with endless possibilities, but it’s not a place with no possibilities either. Their are countless shops asking for help, especially when the tourists start to overflow the isle. Groups of friends spend all their time in bars, where they play pool or watch the black and white movies one of them borrows from some extra bonus he has gotten. On the barns everyone who wants to can pay a few pennies to ride a horse for a few hours.

All those months there were a lot of ways I could have made new friends. Instead I chose to stay at home, in case something would happen that had eventually never happened.

“You were waiting for Hannah to return to the isle.” Richard finishes my sentence and I bend my head to avoid his glance. “Were you afraid that Daniel would not be good to her?”

I shake my head. I don’t know what I was afraid of. Maybe I was afraid that the mainland would treat her as badly as the isle had done, as we had done, as I had done. Maybe I was afraid that she would end up locked up in a house that wasn’t even her home.

But Hannah has lived. She has visited theaters and amusement parks. She has cuddled with animals in zoos. She has found a job she loves so much that she’s almost as blinding as the sun when she talks about it. She has lived and I haven’t.

“I think I wanted her to come back. I don’t know what to do without her.” I eventually shrug my shoulders. “I’m trying to figure it out now.”

“I could help you find some things you might enjoy, if you like?” Richard reaches for my hand and I lick my lips while I wonder if this is how friends behave or if I make him as nervous as he makes me. He doesn’t look nervous. From the moment we’ve met he has never looked nervous, while I have felt nervous all the time.

“So, what are you doing when you’re not training or racing?” I clear my throat, but I enjoy his touch, the tips of his fingers on my skin. I want to place my hand on his, want to caress him too, but I fight the urge. I can use all the help I can get to figure out what I want with my life. I don’t want to scare him away because I’m reading too much into things.

“I am afraid that if you are expecting something exciting now, I will have to disappoint you.” Richard smiles and he tightens his grip a little. “Although I live countless adventures a year, most of them are only lived by reading words on paper.”

I smile back at him and lick my lips. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve read a book.”

“If you ever need any advice on which books are nothing but a waste of trees and time and which works are worth losing yourself in, you only need to ask.” Richard pauses for a moment and he locks his glance with mine. His blue eyes are mesmerizing and it’s almost impossible not to drown in them. They are like the sea and I am the capall uisce that longs for it with everything that I am.

“And do you have a….” I hesitate. “A girlfriend? A wife?” I stutter, almost trembling over the words and I hope that the fire isn’t bright enough to show how red my cheeks truly are.

“No, no woman has ever been capable of charming her way into my life, but I might have met someone recently who could.” Richard leans in and I hold my breath while his lips are only a few inches away from mine. “I do hope I can charm my way into his too.”

“You…” I pull my hand back and curl my arms around his neck. “You already did.” His smile covers my mouth completely and I close my eyes while I try not to show that this kiss is my very first kiss ever.


	7. Home & Family

My lips are still tingling while I walk down the stairs the next morning. I have barely slept, but the adrenaline rushing through my veins is keeping me awake. In only a few hours I will see him again and of course I know that we have some serious training to do, but I’m also looking forward to more kisses and more conversations I have never though I’d have with someone.

“Do you have to tell us something, Charlie?” Hannah looks up from her breakfast. Her lips are curled up into a teasing smile and there is a twinkle in her eyes that I know a little too well. “I hope you don’t mind that Daniel and I went home without you?” She raises her eyebrows a little and I feel my cheeks heating up.

“I euhm…” I scratch the back of my neck while I shove back my chair and sit down. I fill a bowl with yoghurt and muesli and I quickly take a few bites so I don’t have to say anything. “I forgot the time.” It’s not a lie. I did forget the time. I forgot the time because I was kissing an extremely handsome and gentle man.

“We noticed.” Hannah chuckles. She exchanges a glance with Daniel and then I notice my mother frowning her eyebrows while her eyes rest on me.

“You forgot about your sister?” She cocks her head and all her muscles freeze while she waits for an answer, an explanation.

An explanation I would love to give her, but I can’t. I don’t even know myself what’s happening. Yes, Richard and I kissed. Yes, we talked about everything and nothing and it was probably one of the best nights I ever had. No, I don’t know if we have something. I don’t know if he wants something. I don’t know if this is a Scorpio Races fling or can become more than that. I don’t want to know and I don’t want to think about it. I want to enjoy the moment, the here and now and I want to keep it for myself.

“I knew she was with Daniel.” I shrug my shoulders and I take a few more bites. I actually want to empty my bowl as soon as possible. The sooner I finish breakfast, the sooner I can walk Bud to the beach for our training session, the sooner I will see Richard again.

“What was keeping you so busy then?” My mother places her spoon next to her plate and she crosses her arms over her chest. “I always thought that you were the intelligent one, but ever since you’ve decided to race that horse I’m starting to doubt it.”

“Mom…” Hannah rolls her eyes while she shakes her head. “We know how you think about the race. But I survived. I’m sure Charlie will survive too.”

“He has to.” My mother speaks softly and she folds her hands in her lap while she bends her head. “I need him.” She doesn’t dare to look at me.

To be honest, I don’t dare to look at her either. “Mom…” I put my spoon down and take a deep breath. “I know that you’ve always thought that Hannah and I would stay with you forever, but…” I hesitate for a moment. I know that my words will probably shatter her heart and I know she doesn’t deserve that, but I also know that I will regret it if I don’t say them. “Children are not supposed to stay with their parents forever.”

“But husbands are…” My mom looks up and her eyes are filled with tears when they meet mine. “Sometimes things are different than they’re supposed to be.”

Hannah reaches for Daniel’s hand, but she doesn’t say anything.

I on the other hand can’t simply keep my mouth shut. “I know dad died too soon. I know he should have been here with us, but…” I pause for a moment, but I know that I can’t keep the words in, that I have to say them, that I have to let them out. “It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault that Hannah is in a wheelchair. It’s not my fault that dad died. It’s not my fault that you’re a widow. And I shouldn’t be the one paying the price for it.”

Hannah holds her breath and my mother drops her jaw, but I can’t stop what I’ve started.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love taking care of Hannah. I love taking care of you. But I’m not gonna put my life on hold for you. Not anymore.”

The silence in the kitchen is deafening, but I try not to let it get to me.

“This is my life, mom. I won’t get a second one. We know better than anyone that it can be over anytime. I’m maybe taking a risk by riding a monstrous horse in a deadly race, yes, but dad didn’t take a risk and he died anyway.” I swallow. “I want to live, mom. I want to do stupid things. I want to make mistakes. I want to get hurt. And I want to discover that I’m so much stronger than I think I am. I want to get up again. I want to laugh about myself. I want to find my own friends, my own family, people who choose to be with me, people who don’t need me, but can’t live without me either.”

Hannah opens her mouth to say something, but in the last second she decides to close her mouth again. “If I had not been disabled, I would have chosen you too.” She eventually whispers. “You’re my brother. And even though I don’t need you anymore, I can’t live without you either.”

I smile at her. “I know, but that’s not what I mean. You have Daniel, you have your new friends on the Mainland. You have your own life.” I lick my lips. “I want that too. I want someone who loves me too, I want my own friends too. I want my own life too.” I look at my mom and she bites her lip to fight her tears.

“I know.” She eventually looks up at me while she takes a deep breath. “And you deserve it, you really do, both of you.” She sniffs quietly. “But I wish it wouldn’t involve lethal horses. Or staying behind on my own.”


	8. The Mainland

“Mom…” I stay up and walk around the table. I place both my hands on her shoulders and squeeze them slightly. “I’m not leaving the island, I promise.” I don’t dare to look at Hannah, who has gone awfully quiet.

Maybe she feels guilty. After all, riding those murderous horses has been her idea, both last year when she was riding herself and this year now I’ll be the one riding. And on top of that she’s also the one who has moved that far away that visiting for a cup of tea is impossible.

“I want my own life. I want my own happiness. But I will find it here.”

My mom lifts her hand up and places it on top of mine. “If you want to move away, if your life is waiting for you on the mainland, please go. Don’t stay behind for me. You’re right. You’ve been giving up too much already. First for Hannah, which I shouldn’t have asked from you, and now for me.” She takes a deep breath and her fingers squeeze mine. “I never wanted to hold you back. I never wanted to hold either of you back.” She looks at Hannah and Hannah swallows.

“I think I need some fresh air. Would you mind if I…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, but after mom nods she curls her fingers around her wheels and rides away.

Daniel coughs and clears his throat. “I’ll go and keep an eye on her and such…” He smiles that half smile only he can smile and after a few more seconds mom and I have the entire kitchen for ourselves.

Hannah didn’t leave for my sake, but somehow I’m still thankful anyway.

“Mom…” I move the chair next to hers and sit down without letting her hand go. “The last couple of years have not been easy for us and I know that, but I promise that my future waits for me here, on the isle, in Thisby.” I speak softly and for a moment there is nothing but silence.

It’s a nice kind of silence. It’s warm and pleasant as if the air is clearing with each second that passes.

“I met a boy.”

Mom rolls her eyes. “Please tell me your new beginning is not that boy.” She bites her lip and fights the tears filling her eyes. “I made the mistake of making one person my entire life. Look what has become of me.”

“That’s not what I was going to say, mom.” I reach for her hand and my fingers rub her knuckles. “I don’t know if he’ll be my happily ever after. I don’t care. I just know that he lived. All those years I’ve looked after Hannah and forgot what I dreamed of myself he has lived.” I pause for a moment. “Maybe this thing that I feel will last, maybe we’ll end up sharing our lives together, but if not I think he can still teach me how to live.”

“Can he teach me how to live too?” My mom looks up and for the first time I realize that she’s not the strong and determined person I’ve always seen. She’s broken. Ever since dad has died she’s broken and she’s looking desperate for a way to repair herself.

“What about the ladies from the bookclub?” I whisper softly and then I watch how the salted tears finally roll down her cheeks.

“There is no book club.” She shakes her head. “I hoped that if I would go out, you would go out too.” She buries her face in her hands and I place my hand on her back. “I just walked around the beach. I never enjoyed a second of it, especially not when I noticed that it wasn’t even working.”

I bend my head and avoid her glance. “I was waiting for Hannah to call that she needed our help.”

“You really think Hannah would have called, even if she had needed our help?” My mom raises her eyebrows and takes a deep breath. “She’s too stubborn for that. Although after last year, I don’t doubt her chances. She’s gonna make it Charlie, one way or another. From the three of us, she’s probably the one who will get the furthest.”

I know that my mother is right. I just don’t want her to be right. I want to get at least as far as her. I want to find that one person who could make me feel wanted and loved, and I secretly hope I already have. I want to have a job that I love and enjoy, although I have no idea what that job will be right now. I want to have stories to tell when Hannah returns from the mainland next year for the race.

“I hope you will prove me wrong, darling, but the chances here on the isle are…” She swallows her last word. Whatever she wanted to say, it was probably not very flattering.

“There are enough chances on the isle for me.” I notice that my voice sounds surprisingly steady. “It’s different for Hannah. If I had known what life she could have on the mainland, I would have traveled there with her myself. But…” I pause for a moment and swallow. “Maybe she’s doing this well, because we didn’t come with her.”

Daniel is not her brother. Daniel is not her mother. Daniel is taking care of her because he wants to, because he has fallen in love with her. He can leave at any moment, he can leave her whenever he wants. And he chose not to. But he didn’t pause his life either. He does something I couldn’t do, something both mom and I couldn’t do. He trusts she will be okay without him.

“I’m sure you will find your life somewhere too.” My mom seems to calm down a little and she places her other hand on mine too. “You’re still young, much too young to stop living. I should have made sure you hadn’t stop living in the first place.” She cocks her head. “I should have taken care of Hannah instead of losing myself in my sadness.”

“You lost your husband, mom.”

“And you lost your father, but I am the mother and you are the son. I should have taken care of you. I should have taken care of Hannah. I should have done more to make the two of you happy, even without your father to help me.”

“You make it sound like you failed as a mother and you didn’t.” I speak softly and I curl my lips up into a smile. “You’ve always loved us and I know you’ll always love us. No matter what we do and where we go, even if you don’t like us riding murderous horses or moving that far away that you can’t visit that often.”

“We should visit your sister on the mainland during the summer months when there is nothing to do here on Thisby, Charlie.” My mom smiles back at me and I nod at her.

“We will.”


	9. Obstacles

“You do realize that the race is in less than a week, do you?” Richard crosses his arms over his chest while he shakes his head. “I understand that riding a waterhorse close to the shore seems terrifying, but I am afraid that you won’t have much of a choice.”

I know he is right. Over the last few weeks Richard taught me how to ride a horse. I am in control over the reins, I know how to use my body weight and legs. I know what to whisper in Bud’s ear when he doesn’t want to listen or gets distracted by my sister. But I have not dared to ride him close to the sea. I remember all too vividly what happened to Hannah during her first training on the beach last year.

She survived. She managed to guide Bud back to the beach. But I was afraid, even if it was only for a few minutes, that I would lose my sister, that my sister would be one of the victims of what the people on this isle call a hobby. Simply because she wanted to prove that she was more than the girl in the wheelchair.

“I am afraid that you have to see how Bud reacts when he is closer to the salted water that’s singing in his veins.” Richard locks his glance with mine. “It will be crowded on the beach during the race, Charlie, and the last thing I want is you getting hurt because you’re unprepared.”

I sigh, but then I stare at the waves crashing on the sand.

The dark clouds gathering above Thisby predict a nearing storm, as if the weather Gods know that Thisby is getting ready for the most lethal day of the year.

As if the weather Gods know I am getting ready for the most lethal day of the year.

“I have seen Bud last year and I’m certain there is nothing to be afraid of.” Richard tries to calm my nerves, but he’s failing hopelessly.

Last year I wasn’t the one riding him. I was the one standing high on a rock biting my nails and holding my breath.

Hannah told me that being in the middle of the race was probably not half as scary as simply watching, but even though this year the roles are reversed, I didn’t find het words calming. Maybe she had felt confident on Bud, but she had known that Bud would do everything to protect her, that he would never hurt her, that he would shield her and guard her when something would happen.

I am not so sure if Bud will do the same for me.

He has not thrown me off his back yet. He has not tried to drown me either. But he has also not tried to eat anyone who came a little too close to us. Bud has either decided that I can look after myself or that I’m not as important to him as my sister is.

I’m afraid it’s the latter. I am not important enough to him. I wasn’t the one to save him. I wasn’t the one to believe in him. I wasn’t the one letting him race while everyone thought he couldn’t.

My sister was.

Even though I am riding him, Bud is still her horse. I’m only borrowing him. And I’m sure he only lets me borrow him because he knows that my sister is not gonna race again.

It’s maybe the only thing that’s stronger than his love for my sister. His love for this lethal horse race where he can prove that a damaged left hind doesn’t mean he can’t run anymore.

“Fine, let’s give it a try.” I let out a deep sigh and I stuck my tongue between my lips when I carefully lead Bud closer and closer to the salted water. I try to ignore the other horses on the beach. I try not to look up when I hear screaming and yelling behind me. I try to focus on the shore, on Bud’s steady steps, on my breathing, on his breathing.

“I wonder if you and Hannah allowing Bud to return to the sea after the race has had a positive or a negative influence on his relationship with the water and his strength to ignore his longing for it.” Richard is not far behind me, but I don’t answer his question.

Instead I tighten my grip on the reins and take a deep breath while I carefully steer Bud along the shore. I can smell the salt of the sea. I can feel drops of water splashing in my face. Every time Bud tries to walk into the water, I pull him back. Every time he wants to go faster, I slow him down. Every time Bud tenses all his muscles, I whisper calming words in his ears.

“I might be leaning towards believing that his return to the sea has a positive effect on his longing for it.” Richard sounds admiring while he clearly struggles to control his own horse. “I assume he knows that after the race he is allowed to return.”

“I think Bud likes the race.” I roll my eyes. “And I think he won’t go anywhere before he said goodbye to my sister.” I allow my muscles to relax a little, but I regret it right away when Bud sees his chance and places his hoofs in the blue green water of the sea.

“Or maybe I might have been a little early with my conclusion…” Richard’s voice is nothing but a soft whisper and I hold my breath.

One step. Two Steps. Three Steps. Even though his hoofs are in the salted water, it doesn’t feel like he is ready to run off with me on his back. It doesn’t feel like he is going to drown me.

“This horse is endlessly fascinating…” Richard keeps his distance, his eyes going from Bud and me to his own horse every few seconds.

“It’s not fascinating. It’s simply because he’s not going anywhere without Hannah being present to say goodbye.” I roll my eyes, but with a little more confidence I allow Bud to walk a little faster. I curl my lips up into a smile because of the water splashing up and when Bud reaches his full speed I somehow get the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I will not end up looking like a complete fool during the race.


	10. Weakness

I have no idea what time it is. I just know that it’s dark and I know that in less than twenty-four hours this entire adventure will be over.

The race will be over. The one thing Thisby talks about for an entire year will be over.

I don’t know if I’ll still be alive in twenty-four hours.

Maybe these are the last twenty-four hours of my life.

I take a sip of my beer and I look at Richard, who is sitting next to me with his hip pressed to mine. “This is not your first time racing, right?” I cock my head a little and Richard curls his lips up into a smile.

“I have been participating in the race ever since I was allowed to compete.” Richard leans back and he stares at the glimmering of the sea in the far distance. “But considering the nature of the race itself I don’t believe it truly matters how much experience you actually have.” He curls his fingers around the glass he is holding. “Over the years I have seen how even the most experienced racers were thrown off their horse or drowned in the sea. Just like I have seen how inexperienced riders, like for example your sister, achieved the almost impossible.”

“What you mean is that there is no way to predict which one of us is going to die tomorrow.” I shake my head and let out a slight chuckle. “That’s good to know.”

“I am praying and hoping that neither of us will be among the victims tomorrow.” Richard softens his voice and he places his hand on my upper leg. “I know that you are racing to mark the beginning of your new life, but I do hope that I can and will be a part of that new life.”

I hold my breath for a moment and then I nod. “I have a lot to figure out and I know that racing a murderous horse is only the beginning, but…” I pause for a moment. “I’m not sure if I could have done it without you.”

“I am certain you would have found another way or another someone to assist you if you had not met me.” Richard moves a little closer towards me en he lets his head rest on my shoulder. “Maybe somehow your sister’s explanation of simply letting your emotions guide you would have clicked eventually.” He shrugs his shoulders and then he closes his eyes.

“I think her explanation did click…” I speak softly. I don’t want to interrupt the serene silence around us. I don’t want to disturb this moment that’s both scary and calming at once. “But only because I also met you.”

“Even though I hope that we will share our long and happy lives, I also want to give you the freedom to find your own place in this world.” Richard murmurs, his lips touching my neck every time he moves them. “You are not forced to like the same things I do and if you want to travel somewhere or want to do something I have absolutely no interest in, I don’t want to be the one to stop you from doing it or from going there.”

“I wouldn’t let you.” I wrap my arm around him and I let my head rest on his. “I told my sister last year, before she left to go to the Mainland, that she shouldn’t just go there because of Daniel. That she should go there because she wanted to go there, because she wanted to be there.” I take a deep breath. “I’m gonna listen to my own advice. You’re important to me. You’re more important to me than I dare and want to admit. But, I don’t want you to be my whole life. I’ve seen how that ended.”

Hannah had been my whole life. Dad had been mom’s whole life. Hannah moved to the mainland and I was left with nothing but emptiness. Dad died and mom was left with nothing but darkness.

“No one can live life all alone.” I feel my heart racing in my chest. “But making one person your whole life and world? That’s the recipe for self destruction.”

“I would never ask you to make me your whole life and I would never want you to.” Richard straightens his back. “Just like I hope you would never ask me to give something up I love with my whole heart.”

I know he is talking about the race. For me this is probably a one time thing. I am simply riding Bud because Hannah didn’t want to, because it has worked out for her so well last year, because I long for everything she has found because of her horse, because of the race. I will cross that finish line tomorrow and then it will be over.

For Richard it will never be over. The moment he crosses the finish line, he starts his preparation for next year. The end of the race is the beginning of the next one. And it will be like that until the day he dies, hopefully on the beach, surrounded by the one thing he cares about this much.

“I will never ask you to stop racing. I will die a little each and every year on the first of november. I will be terrified and afraid that my good luck kiss will be our goodbye kiss. But I will never ask you to stop racing.”

Richard turns his face towards me and then he presses his hands to my cheeks. His hands are big, strong, but most of all gentle. “If anything happens to me tomorrow, will you please promise me to not let it distract you? Even if I will die tomorrow, I will never forgive myself if anything happens to you, because something happened to me.”

“I can’t promise you that.” I shake my head. “Because I will never forgive myself if you die because I thought racing was more important than saving your life.”

“I am afraid that now you have officially become my greatest weakness because you have made me yours.”

“You’re not my greatest weakness, Richard. You’re my greatest strength.”


	11. Race Day

I feel my heart racing in my chest. I want to say a thousand things. I want to wish Richard luck. I want to tell him that I hope we both survive this race. I want to assure him that I have his back. But I can’t. My lips refuse to move and my tongue refuses to form words.

Last year I was on the cliff, looking for Hannah who was somewhere with Bud among the other horses. It had been almost impossible to find her in the middle of the chaos.

Somehow the chaos feels less like a chaos now I’m in the middle of it. I can’t see all the horses. I can only see the horses closest to me. But I do hear their screams.

Most horses long to the sea. They long to the cold water and the song it’s singing in their ear. Riders have to hold on tightly to the reins to control them, to keep them from running and never coming back. Some riders lose fingers already before the race even starts.

Richard keeps on whispering, iron bells braided in the manes of his black mare.

Bud doesn’t wear any bells or iron. His manes aren’t braided. He’s not restless like everyone else. He has his eyes firmly on the finish line as if he knows that as soon as he crosses it he’ll be Hannah’s again. Even though he allows me to ride him, he’s not my horse. He’ll never be anyone’s horse but Hannah’s.

I curl my lips up into a smile. My racing heart thrums in my ears, but I like the excitement and adrenaline rushing through my veins. This is what it feels like to be alive, this is what it feels like to be part of something instead of someone watching from the sideline. This is the feeling I want to feel for the rest of my life.

“It’s time.” Richard’s voice trembled. Even though he raced more races than most people here, he’s still nervous. Somehow that’s a calming thought. He’s just as afraid to die as I am and yet he returns every year.

Now I’m standing here, in the middle of the chaos, I understand why. I know that every moment can be my last. Not because Bud will throw me off his back or will drown me in the sea, but because another horse will eat a limb, will pull me away from my sister’s horse, will end my life. And still, I feel better than I have ever felt before.

“On your marks!”

The riders around me try to control their horses, but Bud focusses on the finish line, on Hannah, on why he has come back to shore in the first place.

I exchange one last glance with Richard and nod to renew the promise I already made. I won’t let anything happen to him. When he nods back I know that he promises me the same thing. He won’t let anything happen to me either.

There is a short moment of absolute silence before the true chaos starts.

I press my heels in Bud’s side, even though I know I don’t have to. I tighten my grip on the reins and I lean forward.

The wind blows my hair. The cold touches my cheeks, but there are still pearls of sweat on my forehead.

When a loud screams echoes over the beach a shiver rolls down my spine, but I squeeze my eyes and let Bud do what he does best. I don’t need to steer him into the right direction. I don’t need to keep him away from the sea. I don’t need to distract him from the other horses. He’s running straight to the finish line and a smile spreads across my face.

I never wanted to win. I don’t need the money. I don’t need the glory. All I need is this feeling. And now I know it exists, I know that I can’t live without it anymore.

This is what it means to be alive. This is what it feels like to be alive.

I want to close my eyes when all of a sudden I hear a scream next to me, too close to me. “Richard!” I turn my head to the left.

His black mare is on her hinds and despite his years of experience he can’t hold onto her. “Go!” He yells before he falls in the already blooded sand.

I feel Bud already slowing down before I can pull the reins. Left and right other horses pass me, but I keep my eyes on the man way too close to the hoofs of his own horse. “Come on!”

It’s the first day of November and so today someone will die, but he’s not dying today. The beginning of my life can’t be the end of his.

Bud slows down even more and I stretch out my hand. I don’t know if Bud can hold us both, but I want to believe he can.

Richard moans. His face is covered in blood. His clothes are ripped. Marks of the hooves of his own mare are on his hands and legs. But wounded isn’t dead. Damaged isn’t broken beyond repair. He pushes himself up and curls his fingers around my wrist.

I pull. My muscles ache and Bud growls, but I pull until Richard sits behind me. In the far distance I see the winner of the race throwing his hands in the air. I know that could have been me.

“I have to admit you’re even more of an idiot than I already thought you were…” Richard wraps his arms around my waist and I press my heels in Bud’s side once more.

We can’t win the race anymore, but even though we will without a doubt cross the finish line as the very last of the survivors, it still doesn’t feel like I’ve lost.

Because winning this race, winning the awful lot of money I don’t need, getting the glory I’ve never asked for, it’s not half as important as the person behind me. “No, I’m not…” I shake my head and smile. “I’m alive. And so are you.”


	12. Reflect

Once more I wrap my arms around Hannah. Her suitcases surround her, but she smiles the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. I want nothing more than knowing how she feels, than feeling how she feels. Maybe one day I’ll get it.

“So, you and Richard will come visit us during the summer holidays, right?” Hannah tucks a strand of her long blond hair behind her ear and I nod.

“If we’re still together by then, yes. Else I’ll come alone.” I wink. Even though everyone keeps on telling me that I barely know Richard, I have the feeling that whatever we have is gonna be forever. I want it to be forever. But I also want to be careful. I’ve made the mistake to build my entire life around one person once and I’m not gonna do that again. I deserve better, I participated in the race because I wanted better.

“Don’t ruin it, do you hear me?” Hannah lifts her hand up. “He’s a good and amazing guy!”

“Why do you think I’ll be the one ruining it? He can be the one ruining it too!” I protest, but I see the twinkle in her eyes. “Maybe he’s boring without his horse. You never know.” I shrug my shoulders and Hannah shakes her head.

“See you in July, Charlie.” She turns her wheelchair around and Daniel helps her to board the ferry that will bring her back to the mainland.

I would lie if I would say that I won’t miss her. I will miss her. I will miss her laughter, her smile, her passionate stories about her new life. But it’s a lot easier to let her go this year than it was last year. Last year I wasn’t sure what was waiting for her on the mainland, if she would be happy. Now I know that all her dreams came true on the mainland and that hopefully many more will follow.

“I might get the impression that you could use something to drink tonight.” Richard has his hands in the pockets of his pantalon and I smile when he stands still next to me. His face is damaged. He’s limping a little when he walks. His arms are covered in scratches and hoofmarks. And still he looks breathtaking beautiful. At least he does to me.

“I’m fine, really.” I lift my hand up to wave at Hannah and Daniel before the door closes behind them.

October will always be my favorite month of the year and the second of november will always be the worst day of the year.

But I will never stop her from going, from leaving, from following her heart. Just like I will not let her stop me from doing what I want, from making my dreams come true, from being happy. If she ever calls that she needs me, I’ll be there, but I’m not gonna wait for her call, not anymore. I’ve felt what it feels like to be alive and that’s what I want to feel for the rest of my life.

“I know, but there are several reasons to share a drink with the man you love.” Richard wraps an arm around my waist. His wounds will heal and next year he’ll race again.

If I had not been racing myself, I probably would have tried to stop him, but I know why he’s doing it. I know why he risks dying on the cold and wet sand or drowning in the November sea. I know that nothing makes you feel as alive as the race, even though there’s nothing bringing you as close to death at the race.

Or maybe the race makes us feel alive because we’re so close to death, because it’s lurking in the shadows and waiting for its chance to attack a few of us.

“I was not meaning for us to drown our sorrows and worries.” Richard’s hand rests on my shoulder. “I was more thinking about celebrating a couple of memorable moments and events.” He smirks and the November sun glimmers in his eyes. “I would love to celebrate the fact that I am still alive because of the helping hand of an angel.” He cocks his head and turns his face to me. “And there is an upcoming wedding we need to celebrate, even though the engaged couple is currently traveling home.” His nose brushes mine and a pleasant warmth spreads across my entire body. “I would also like to introduce you to my friends.” He closes his eyes and covers my mouth with his. “Officially introduce you, as my boyfriend.”

I curl my arms around his neck and my lips part slightly so the tips of our tongues can touch. “I think that scares me more than the entire race did.”

Richard chuckles and his hand goes through my hair. “My friends are no murderous water horses, I can at least assure you that.” He steps back again and I look at the ferry, slowly moving away from the isle with Hannah on board.

I smile when I notice her on deck. The wind blows her hair and I send a hand kiss her way.

A smile spreads across her face while she lifts up her hand to wave at me. One year ago she left, not knowing what was waiting for her. She made new friends. She found a job. She built a life.

It is my turn now. “I didn’t say I didn’t want to meet them!” I raise my voice. “I just said it’s a little scary.” I reach for his hand and squeeze it. “But I’ve discovered that I like a little scary. I hope that we’ll do a lot of scary things together.”

“We should make a list.” Richard whispers and he lets his head rest on my shoulder. “A list of all the things we want to do together. We should list all those things we are afraid of. We should write down all those things we’ve been dreaming about ever since we were kids. And we should add all the things we believe to be just fun.”

The smile on my face brightens. My sister is nothing but a vague silhouette now, but I know that I’ll see her again in 7 months.

“Each week we’ll do at least one thing from our list and when we visit your sister in July you will have plenty of stories to tell her.”

Maybe just as many as she’ll have to tell me.

I like that.


End file.
